BFN

So it's Christmas Eve. I'm feeling a discouraged and disappointed because my pregnancy test was negative this morning. Today is CD25 and no sign of my period. This is the first time I've been trying to get pregnant where it has taken more than two months. That shouldn't surprise me, given my age, but it still does because of the ease I have had in the past. Also, this cycle seemed to be better than the previous two.

My goal now is to remember how blessed I already am to have three beautiful, smart, funny, wonderful daughters, and a fabulous husband. It is sad and discouraging all the trouble I've had in the past year and a half, but I've really come to realize, based on what I have learned on the infertility boards, that I am really, really lucky. The heartbreak that other women have had to go through, combined with the financial burden and emotional drain of infertility, has made me so much more aware of the good fortune I had in my 20's and 30's. I really can't complain.

My wish this Christmas is for the women who have been struggling so long and hard to have a child will be able to make their wish come true!

2WW

This month's cycle was a little more encouraging. I went back to my regular 25-day cycle and ovulated on day 10. Although that's not quite the half-way point I'd like to see, it is a damn sight better than CD7! If all goes well, my pregnancy test will be + by Christmas!

I keep "talking" to Sam in my head. I say things like "Your family already loves you so much!", or "You are going to have SO much fun with your older sisters!" or "See how I had a glass of water instead of a Coke? I am going to take such good care of you. Snuggle in and I'll see you in about nine months".

I am praying. It will take a miracle to make this happen.

Good night, Sam.

Dashed Hopes

Things are not looking very promising. I had a 28-day cycle, which is good...but I ovulated on day 7. NOT GOOD. Last month I ovulated on day 8. I thought it was a fluke, but it may actually be a sign of decreasing fertility.

I started to panic when I realized how early I ovulated, so I did a Google search and found out that early ovulation is a sign of decreased ovarian reserve, poor egg quality, and is associated with women of "advanced maternal age". How I hate those words "advanced maternal age"!! It is also likely, that although I can get pregnant, the chances of miscarriage are very high. Since I wasn't looking for signs of ovulation that early, I totally missed it this month and will have to wait until next month.

I feel pretty discouraged about it all now. From the limited research I have conducted, there is nothing I can do to encourage my body to release a "good egg". At my age, it is very likely that the number of "bad eggs" vastly outnumber the "good eggs". No amount of diet, exercise, acupuncture, supplements or Chinese herbs will change that.

Is it totally hopefless? My OB certainly thought so. My last two miscarriages and early ovulation are certainly not good indicators of future success. Is it wasteful and selfish of me to even try? I feel so lost and confused. All I can do is keep trying to stay healthy and pray a lot. That might not be enough. I have 1 or 2 more tries left in me. I guess I just have to take it day by day and see what happens. Then I will reevaluate and talk to Steve to see if he is open to the idea of adoption (which, ironically, he was in favor of years ago).

This experience has certainly opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have three lovely, healthy daughters. That is something I have not lost sight of, and something I am thankful for every single day.

Waiting. Impatiently.

This month I have given myself the green light for trying to conceive. My cycle has been 25 days (like clockwork) except when I was pregnant and one month when I had a 29 day cycle, which was after my first miscarriage. However, THIS month, my cycle hasn't started yet and I am already on day 28!

I am telling myself that this is a good sign. I have been going to acupuncture and taking Chinese herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist, who is licensed in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I have read that these herbs can regulate hormones and lengthen cycles. It certainly would be good for me to ovulate near day 14 instead of day 9 like I have been. Still, I am worried. What if this is a sign of declining fertility? I don't have any other perimenopause signs, other than a marked decrease in cervical fluid. Those two things seem like important signs! I guess I will just have to wait and see how this month turns out.

Of course, the other possibility is that I am already pregnant. This would be kind of funny, since I wasn't trying to get pregnant in October. It would have happened if ovulation took place later than what I thought. Although this is possible, it's not very likely. I took a home pregnancy test yesterday afternoon and it was negative. If I don't start my cycle by Sunday I'll take another test and see what happens. I just have to stay positive and TRY really hard to be patient.

Patience is not my forte.

One more Month to go...

Today I am on cycle day 3. I was nervous because I am having quite a heavy period, which is unlike me. However, I asked around and did some internet searching and found that this is not unusual after a miscarriage. My first cycle after my miscarriage was relatively light, and so this is likely just my body's attempt to balance things out. I am glad I decided to wait a couple of cycles before trying to conceive again. Hopefully by next month, things will be back to normal and I'll be able to get pregnant. I wish I had a little more data to go on (FSH or something). However, I have to trust that my body knows what it's doing. I might try to make an appointment with my new OB just to make sure we "click" and to see if he has any preconception advice for me.

Still Nurturing Sam's Egg

Things are progressing nicely. I am sticking to healthy eating, drinking and exercising. My BMI is now 24.7 which is in the normal range! Yesterday I had my second acupuncture appointment. That seems to be going well. I hope it is working! I am on cycle day 24. I feel good.

Nurturing Sam's Egg

I am trying to focus on the only part of this journey that I have control over: me. I have been doing some research and it seems that the three months BEFORE conception may play a larger part in a healthy pregnancy than previously thought. This is because it takes at least three full months before an egg can completely mature and be released. Although I have no control over the age of my eggs, I may be able to help the environment that they are maturing in.

As a result, I have completely eliminated all alcohol and caffiene from my diet. I am eating three healthy meals per day and two or three healthy snacks. I am drinking 10+ cups of water daily. I am walking three miles every other day (soon-to-be every day). I want to lose at least 10 pounds in the next two months so my BMI is in the "normal" range. I am taking a prenatal vitamin, folic acid, vitamin D3, fish oil and royal jelly supplements.

I have made an acupuncture appointment for September 23. I plan to go weekly or every other week until just after conception. There is some research that indicates acupuncture helps some women conceive and carry healthy pregnancies. I don't know how valid that research is, but I am out of other options. If my plan fails, at the very least I will be healthier.

I call this new plan I have "Nurturing Sam's Egg", since I am not pregnant yet. (If I have a boy, he will likely be named "Sam", although Steve has final veto power. If it's a girl, well, then it will be "Nurturing Maya's Egg" or something similar). It just makes it a lot easier for me to keep motivated if my baby has a name.

12 Weeks

Today my baby would have made it to the 12 weeks milestone. That was when Steve and I had decided to start announcing to the world that we were pregnant. I am surprised by the amount of sadness I feel today. I knew I would be heartbroken (and my just-yesterday-D&C certainly didn't help), but I am completely out of sorts. I can't concentrate and all I keep thinking about is how this journey is going to end.

Compounding my troubles, I got a very depressing call this morning. I was excited to have a "Plan" in place that allowed me at least a tiny bit of control over this process and maybe just a little bit of hope. I had an appointment set up for tomorrow with a fertility clinic that my friend Gwen (who has been through this process a lot longer than I have, with one beautiful boy to thank for it), had recommended. It turns out my insurance doesn't even cover the initial consult, much less ANY fertility treatment!

I am going through all the stages of grief and loss, I can tell: denial, anger, bargaining, depression...I sure haven't made it to acceptance yet. At what point should I give up? I keep thinking of the women I have heard of who have healthy babies in their 40's. I keep thinking of how easily I conceive and how perfect my first three pregnancies were (which, truth be told, they shouldn't even be compared to my situation now because I was 33 with my last daughter, and I am 43 now...a BIG difference, I am told). I am angry that none of my doctors mentioned that I should conceive before I turn 35 (and I specifically told them I wanted to have another child later in life)! Last night I found myself hunting through the Bible because I remembered stories of women who were "barren" that God gave beautiful sons to (Sarah, Hannah and Rebecca). So I am sitting there bargaining with God "Just let me have one more healthy child and I promise I will be a better Christian", etc. I know it doesn't really work that way, but it sure can't hurt to pray, right?

I thought that I would have more options or at least more informaton available to me by going to the fertility clinic. I can't afford to pay for it out-of-pocket. Now it just feels like my only choice is to keep getting pregnant and pray each time that I get a good egg. I estimate that I have 2-3 more chances before my next birthday. I suspect that the more miscarriages I have, the lower my odds get each time for a successful pregnancy. I think I can handle the heartbreak, but I don't know who to go to for support. My OB doctor certainly isn't helpful. My Mom is sick with cancer and I don't want to burden her further. I want to keep most of my pain from my husband so that he won't decide to give up. I don't want to bother Gwen too much, since it seems selfish of me to want another child when I have three already and she had to work so hard for her one miracle. I feel so alone.

Update

It has been a full TWO WEEKS since my first ultrasound delivered the sad news. Guess what? I finally got closure today. It has been such a traumatic experience for me (as all miscarriages are for women) but more so because of the way it was handled.

I elected NOT to have a D&C. My doctor explained to me what the pros and cons of the D&C vs. the medication were, and I decided to try the medication first. She told me that if I was bleeding heavily to come to the hospital and she would have to do a D&C anyway. But she did not tell me what to expect as "normal" and what happens if I don't bleed much at all.

Fast forward to today. I ended up having a D&C because the medication didn't work. My doctor sent me in for a third ultrasound, forgot to order the inital OB blood screen when I was first pregnant, almost missed my 72-hour window for my Rhogam shot, and in general is doing her best to ignore me and make me feel worse. When I asked her for a referral for a high-risk clinic (due to my age, the fact that I have had two consecutive miscarriages and the distinct feeling I get that she doesn't want to work with someone of "advanced maternal age"), she REFUSED! She said "They can't help you. Your eggs are just old."

She may be right. I am not asking her to assure me that everything is fine. I know she can't turn back the hands of time. But is it so terrible that I want to know what my options are and what kind of odds I am facing? What about checking on something, ANYTHING, instead of just letting me get pregnant and miscarry again? That may happen (I'm 43, after all), but what about at least TRYING something else? What about a three-day FSH test for ovarian reserve? What about checking my thyroid? What about doing blood tests? What about IVF? I am old, so every month that passes without a successful pregnancy decreases my chance of bringing a baby home. Why should I be treated differently (in terms of senstivitiy and compassion) because I am 43 instead of 23?

The good news is that I have taken charge. I have an appointment with an infertility clinic on Thursday. Again, I am not looking for a miracle...I simply want more information. (Well, OK, a miracle would be nice, but that comes from a source different than the infertility clinic). I am also going to a naturopath tomorrow to see how to make my body as healthy as it can be over the next two months. If it doesn't work, at least I can tell myself I did everything under my control to ensure the best possible care and treatment for my next pregnancy. Women have been having babies in their 40's for years now (even without donor eggs). I may not be one of them, but I am going to do my best to try!

In God's Hands

I did have a second ultrasound on Tuesday. The news was not good. The radiologist said they did find an embryo (so it's not a blighted ovum), but that it looks like it was only the size of about six or seven weeks...so it died about three weeks ago.

I feel so sad and isolated. I am shielding my family from how much this is hurting me because I don't want to upset my girls and because I don't want Steve to give up on me. I feel guilty because I want this so bad and I don't feel like I have a right to be so sad when I have three healthy and beautiful children already. Am I being greedy, selfish, ungrateful, and delusional to think that I could have another child at my age? Is it wrong to want this so much?

The other thing that bothers me is that I haven't been bleeding at all. The radiologist said that sometimes when a miscarriage occurs, the body doesn't always shed the embryo. I know this sounds weird, but I wish I was bleeding because it would be a sign to me that it's over. The ultrasound technician wouldn't let me see the screen, either, so I didn't see the baby's heart not beating. I am sure that she did it out of compassion, but I feel like there is no closure. How can I be sure that it's really over? I am afraid to have a D&C because my heart doesn't want to believe that my baby is gone.

To make matters worse, my doctor left me hanging and didn't call me back after the ultrasound. I called the office today to ask what I am supposed to do. I am not happy about the way this was handled. She knew from the first ultrasound that things didn't look good, and I asked her nurse to call me on Wednesday after she had a chance to look at the results of the second ultrasound. I finally called her office today. She is supposed to call me tomorrow to discuss whether I want to do a D&C or take medications to "expel the uterus" (what a horrible term).

I think I have a plan, though. I am going to have a D&C (because it is quicker and I'm not getting any younger). Then I am going to get a new OB who is more supportive of my situation. (I am not asking for false hope, only someone who shows me a little bit of empathy). Then I am going to take good care of myself, hug my girls often, love my husband, and say my prayers. God willing, I can try again. I might even be able to have my eggs tested to give me an estimate of what my odds look like. (Not sure this is possible, but I have been trying to research it and it seems like there is a way that doctors can tell if you have any quality eggs left).

Crap Shoot

Today I went in for my much-anticipated ultrasound. I was feeling optimistic because I will be 10 weeks tomorrow. However, it appears that I have another blighted ovum. Dr. K. couldn't find the baby (or even the sac), so I am scheduled for a more definitive ultrasound this afternoon. If they don't find anything, then I will have to decide whether to do a D&C or some other option. She also said my uterus feels very small for 10 weeks. Needless to say, I am devastated. I just hoped that this time would be different.

I know that I am playing the odds by trying to have a baby at 43. My body seems to be able to get pregnant easily but I guess I don't have a good supply of healthy eggs left. Now it's just a crap shoot as to whether I can get a good one or not. I want to try again but I know there's a chance it won't work. I am willing to keep going, in spite of the awful sadness I am feeling, but I am wondering if I am being selfish. How much more should I put my family through? I know my doctor thinks I'm crazy. I have three beautiful and healthy daughters. I am thankful for that! Maybe this is God's way of telling me to just stop and enjoy the blessings that I already have.

I feel so broken.

Milestone

Today is a small milestone! I am 7 weeks, 6 days, which means that this pregnancy has lasted longer than my last one! The weird feelings I had last week have gone away. I am tired and still have sore breasts, which I consider a good sign! I have been careful to get plenty of rest.

Saturday Heather and I are traveling to Moline, Illinois for the ASA 14U Nationals! I am really looking forward to it; however, I wish Steve, Hannah and Athena could go too. In the end, we decided it was too expensive for the whole family to go. I will do my best not to get too over heated or to wear myself out.

Right after I return from Moline, I have my first appointment with my OB. She is going to do an ultrasound. I hope I can get a picture and post it here.

Should I be worried??

Today I am 7 weeks, two days. Yesterday I started feeling what seemed like contractions. This had me very worried, because the same thing happened last time when I had a miscarriage. I am trying not to worry about it. It doesn't seem to be getting crampier or more frequent. I am telling myself that as long as I don't see any blood, all is well. Also, it is likely that what I am feeling is the result of gas and constipation. I still have all my pregnancy symptoms (which, for me, is not much to begin with).

I have debated going to the doctor. She could do a transvaginal ultrasound and put my worries to rest. On the other hand, I had a transvaginal ultrasound last time at about 7 weeks and was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. Then I had to sit around for four agonizing days wondering if maybe my dates were wrong. I had two ultrasounds and lots of blood tests, but in the end, I ended up losing my baby. If I am going to have a miscarriage this time, the doctor won't be able to do anything to prevent it. So I am trying to relax and just focus on what I have control over...taking good care of myself.

What a Week!

I spent the last week in Colorado. My mom was just diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer! She was in really bad shape when I got there, but the doctors are treating her quickly and by the end of the week she was sitting up playing cards. I wish her a speedy recovery...for however long that may be. She was really worried about me and my pregnancy (typical mom)! She is my #1 supporter and is almost as excited about this baby as I am. I hope that she will be around long enough to see her newest grandchild!

Every Day is One Day Closer!

My HcG from yesterday came back at 13733. Although it didn't quite double in 48 hours, the nurse seemed happy that it is in the "normal" range and it continues to climb. The good news is that I don't have to do any more blood draws. Now I can relax and enjoy my pregnancy, come what may. My first appointment (with ultrasound) is August 10th. I will definitely post a picture.

HcG Levels Are Driving Me Crazy!

So today I got the results of my HcG test from yesterday. I am exactly 5 weeks since LMP, and my HcG level is 7290. Although that seems to be in a "normal" range, the doctor wants me to take another blood test tomorrow. That means I get to be nervous again until I hear the results on Friday! I told her "OK, but this is the LAST ONE".

Here's the thing. The HcG thing is not an exact science. The numbers are all over the map for what is called "normal". The only thing I know for sure is that they like to see the numbers doubling every 48 hours...However, a low HcG doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.

The reason I don't want to have any more HcG tests is because there is NOTHING that can be done to prevent a miscarriage, if it's going to happen. In the meantime, I am a nervous wreck, struggling to decide if everything is ok or not. That can't be good for me or my baby! If there was something that the doctor could actually do to prevent a miscarriage, then of course, I would definitely do it, no questions asked. This is not the case!

I really want to enjoy my pregnancy. I want to spend every moment day dreaming about the healthy, beautiful, and smart baby I am going to have. I don't want to sit around fretting about things that may or may not come to pass. I am not trying to put my head in the sand and pretend that everything is always perfect, but I don't see what the benefit is of worrying before I actually have to.

I am eating right, exercising, and avoiding caffeine. I don't smoke or drink alcohol. I am going to the doctor, taking my vitamins, and saying my prayers. The rest is not up to me...

Scary Day

Today at work I had some brownish-colored spotting! Of course, I immediately panicked. I Googled it and found out that brown is not as bad as red, and that it can be (though isn't necessarily) harmless. Then I remembered, "oh yeah, I had sex last night", which probably punched around on my cervix. Happily, by noon it was all gone. I still feel preganant (mostly just sore breasts, no sickness) and I am confident it is nothing to worry about.

The doctor's office also called and mentioned that my HcG levels were looking ok, but not spectacular, and that I needed another blood draw. I did that this afternoon. Looking forward to another call from the nurse tomorrow to let me know that things are progressing normally.

In other good news, I walked 3.21 miles today during Athena's softball practice! It felt good to get some cardio work in. I am careful not to overdo it, and I am hydrating myself as much as possible. The sunny day today (the first real sunshine of summer!) didn't hurt, either. All in all, a good day!

To Tell or Not to Tell?

I want to shout to the mountain tops that I am pregnant! I want everyone to know how excited our family is and how thrilled I am. However, I have only told a few close family members, and I don't think Steve has told anyone.

Conventional wisdom says to wait until after the first trimester just in case something goes wrong. I know that when I had my miscarriage in December, it was hard to have to tell people that I was no longer expecting.

Strangely, though, I was more upset by the response I got from a small number of friends that I thought would be supportive of me when I first told them I was pregnant. They acted like I was crazy to want another baby (after all, I have three already!) or that it was some kind of mistake. That was hurtful, and I wasn't prepared. I understand that a lot of people would not choose to have a baby at 43 or if they already had three others. Still, I thought they would respect my decision and be happy for me because it was obviously something I really wanted.

This time around I am being much more careful and I am not shouting it out to the mountain tops, even though I am bursting inside with excitement. I recognize that my decisions may not be understood by everyone, but that the important thing is that my family is supportive and happy about this; no one else really matters.

Boy or Girl?

I have designed my blog (temporarily, at least) in blue because I would love to welcome a baby boy. But let me be clear: my biggest priority at this point is really a HEALTHY baby, boy or girl! I have three lovely and talented girls. I feel like I know how to be a parent to girls (though each one is different, of course). If I find out I am having a girl, I will change my design to pink and I will not be disappointed! I couldn't imagine my life without my girls and would be thrilled to welcome another baby girl into our family.

Up to Date

My OB/GYN had me take a blood test to check my HcG and progesterone levels. On Friday, they came back normal. Of course, what they will really be looking for is if the HcG levels double every 48 hours. I have my fingers crossed that everything will be ok.

At this point, there is little I can do but pray, eat healthy, exercise, and get good prenatal care. I have been taking folic acid and prenatal vitamins religiously. I am walking 2 miles a day, three days a week (this isn't much but it's 6 miles a week more than I have ever done before). I have totally eliminated caffeine from my diet (lost my craving for Coke this week...YEA!). I am doing the only things I know how to do, recognizing that I may not have much control over this.

I am thankful for my family's support through all this!

Background

I have three beautiful daughters: Hannah 18, Heather 15, and Athena 10. I always knew I wanted one more baby to complete my family, but I wanted the time to be right: I wanted to make sure I had the financial means to support another child, the time to spend with my other children while they are growing up (thus the 3+ years' age difference) and, most of all, the support and commitment from my husband, Steve. These things took almost seven years to work out, but last July I told Steve I wanted another baby more than anything in the world, and (after much thought and discussion), he agreed!

I got pregnant in November, but I had a blighted ovum an miscarried in December. That was kind of shocking, because for some reason I thought that, with three healthy pregnancies behind me, I wouldn't have any problems. Wrong. I guess the age thing really does matter. However, I vowed I was NOT going to give up! I am really confident that my body knows what to do (even with the higher risks at age 43) and that this is going to work out ok.

My doctor told me to wait a month before trying to conceive again, which I did. I was all ready for business in February, but broke my leg! This put a real damper on my sex life for the next three months; I didn't try to conceive again until June. Thankfully, I had been keeping track of my cycles and it appeared that I was still ovulating normally.

On Tuesday, July 29th, I decided I couldn't wait another day and took a pregancy test. Guess what?? It was positive!!! My due date is March 9th, 2011. I am very excited!

Introduction

I am creating this blog to track the progress of my pregnancy. I am going to be 43 in less than two weeks. I never realized that my age would be an issue, since I have had three healthy babies before. This is blog is really for me and my baby, because I know this is my last time through this miraculous process, and I want to keep track of all the ups and downs that go with it. If no one ever reads this besides me, that's fine! If someone stumbles upon this and finds it helpful to find they are not alone, then that's great too. Welcome!