Update

I have been on top of the world! I have wanted to shout out my good news from the mountaintops!

Luckily, I didn't do that.

Today I started feeling crampy and then I started my period. I never have cramps with my cycle, and I know I was pregnant, so I guess this one wasn't made to last. I am sad and disappointed, of course. I guess that wasn't my "golden egg". I still think I've got one in me, though.

Over Forty and NOT pregnant again. Sigh.

New Year, new baby?

OK, so I am still in shock, but it's a few hours later and I can't stop staring at that second little line. It hasn't disappeared! I wasn't dreaming. So many thoughts are going through my head, but most of them start and end with "thank you God, thank you God!". Now I have to decide what the next steps are. Strangely, they are not as cut and dry as you might think.

I will take another pregnancy test in a few days (in the morning) to make sure I'm still pregnant. I will start taking prenatal vitamins again tonight. Of course, I am going to take great care of myself. No caffeine, no alcohol, lots of water, lots of rest, and lots (but not too much) healthy food. Those things go without saying.

But what about starting prenatal care? I know that if I make an appointment with a new OB, he/she is going to order a beta and then another one and another one. I am going to be on pins and needles and worrying the whole time about whether or not it's going to be in the "OK" range. What if it's not? Then I agonize over whether the pregnancy is going to last, knowing that there is absolutely nothing that any doctor or I can do one way or another. My thought is, why put me through all that? What purpose does it serve? If there was something they could do for a bad beta, then by all means, let's check. But if not, then I just sit around feeling scared and sad and nervous about when a miscarriage will occur. All that worrying cannot be good for me or for the baby. Therefore, I have decided that I am going to forgo the doctor until a heartbeat can be detected and it is time for my CVS test. In the meantime, I am going to keep praying for a healthy baby. This is not something we humans really have control over, as much as we'd like to think that we do. This is in God's hands. I will let the medical community in when I think there is something that they can do to help. Until then, this is between me, God and my baby.

A Good Sign

Oh, I forgot to mention. Today is my mom's birthday! She would have been so happy to see another grandchild! Also, as another good sign, my first (surprise!) pregnancy was also in December, with a due date in September. That brought my me lovely Hannah. I am taking that as a good sign.

Drum roll please!

OK, my hands are still shaking and I can barely breathe, but I just took a pregnancy test and I see one dark line and one very faint (but unmistakable) line!!! HA! I was right! It's not impossible to get pregnant at 44! Now, the tricky part is staying that way for the next 37 weeks or so. I am praying and praying and praying!

Delusional

So it's been almost a whole year since my last post. I guess the fact that I am still holding out hope means that I really am delusional. However, I still think God has a plan for me related to this baby thing. It might not be what I expected and it certainly won't be soon (God's timetable is different than mine) but still...

Nothing has really changed. I should change the name of my blog to "Over 40 and NOT pregnant" but that seems like it is giving up. I don't really want to give up. I know what the odds are. I know that it is not likely to happen, but I still can't help but to hope. Yes, I still hope. And hope. And hope. It doesn't cost anything. It doesn't hurt anything (yes, I do feel disappointed and I cry sometimes, but that doesn't seem like a high price to pay for not giving up). OK, I know it's delusional to most people (doctors and such) but so what? Every time I think it's an impossible dream, I randomly hear some story about some 40+ woman who became pregnant naturally. It does happen. Just like winning the lottery happens. I want to win the lottery, only I want the jackpot to be a healthy baby. It could happen!

Committed or Delusional?

Today is CD10. No sign of ovulation. Maybe I am ovulating later in my cycle (which would be a good thing) or maybe I'm not ovulating at all. I am using the OPK, but I am running out of test strips, so I am debating about whether I should buy more or just forgo the OPK altogether, since it won't change anything one way or the other...if I am not ovulating, there is nothing I can do about it.

I had another talk with Steve about donor embryos. I found a website that will allow you to do up to three FET cycles with donor embryos for $9800 + medications. That sounds like a lot, but the catch is that this particular program has a 100% money back guarantee if you don't get past 12 weeks in your pregnancy some time within the three cycles. Or we could just do the one cycle right here in Seattle for $3000. Obviously my body is capable of carrying a pregnancy; it's just my "old eggs" that are suspect.

Since Steve is still not on board with that idea, the only thing I have left is to keep trying until my birthday (that's as long as he said he wanted to keep trying) and praying. So I try to keep positive. I try to keep remembering that I have a golden egg in there somewhere. Although I may not be able to control whether or not I actually get that golden egg, I can keep doing my best to stay healthy and hope. It may be delusional. I am willing to admit that. But at this point, it's all I have left.

I Need a Miracle

I am continuing with acupuncture and Chinese herbs. Maybe I am delusional (at age 43 with an FSH level of 30) but I am not ready to give up yet. Steve has agreed to keep trying on our own until my birthday in July. That gives us just a few more shots at the elusive "golden egg". SIGH.

I am now on CD16. I have a confession: I feel pregnant. I am seven days past ovulation and I feel nauseous, my breasts are very sore and I see CM. Unfortunately, I know that it would be nothing short of a miracle if I turn up pregnant now. For one thing, it's really too early to have pregnancy symptoms. For another thing, I have never really had pregnancy symptoms for any of my other pregnancies. And...we only had BMS once this cycle. Crazy, right? On one hand, I think this is my brain's psychosomatic way of dealing with my recent heartbreak (see my previous post). How cruel. On the other hand, I think "why not roll with it?" What's the harm of allowing myself to entertain the possibility that this could be the month. I know it's like winning the lottery, but someone has to, right?

I smile as I write this. I know how it sounds. I know it's probably just me going through the stages of grief. But I also think that, in spite of the long odds, I have to try a little longer. My odds may not be much higher than zero, but if I don't try my odds are zero.

I cry as I write this.