Today my baby would have made it to the 12 weeks milestone. That was when Steve and I had decided to start announcing to the world that we were pregnant. I am surprised by the amount of sadness I feel today. I knew I would be heartbroken (and my just-yesterday-D&C certainly didn't help), but I am completely out of sorts. I can't concentrate and all I keep thinking about is how this journey is going to end.
Compounding my troubles, I got a very depressing call this morning. I was excited to have a "Plan" in place that allowed me at least a tiny bit of control over this process and maybe just a little bit of hope. I had an appointment set up for tomorrow with a fertility clinic that my friend Gwen (who has been through this process a lot longer than I have, with one beautiful boy to thank for it), had recommended. It turns out my insurance doesn't even cover the initial consult, much less ANY fertility treatment!
I am going through all the stages of grief and loss, I can tell: denial, anger, bargaining, depression...I sure haven't made it to acceptance yet. At what point should I give up? I keep thinking of the women I have heard of who have healthy babies in their 40's. I keep thinking of how easily I conceive and how perfect my first three pregnancies were (which, truth be told, they shouldn't even be compared to my situation now because I was 33 with my last daughter, and I am 43 now...a BIG difference, I am told). I am angry that none of my doctors mentioned that I should conceive before I turn 35 (and I specifically told them I wanted to have another child later in life)! Last night I found myself hunting through the Bible because I remembered stories of women who were "barren" that God gave beautiful sons to (Sarah, Hannah and Rebecca). So I am sitting there bargaining with God "Just let me have one more healthy child and I promise I will be a better Christian", etc. I know it doesn't really work that way, but it sure can't hurt to pray, right?
I thought that I would have more options or at least more informaton available to me by going to the fertility clinic. I can't afford to pay for it out-of-pocket. Now it just feels like my only choice is to keep getting pregnant and pray each time that I get a good egg. I estimate that I have 2-3 more chances before my next birthday. I suspect that the more miscarriages I have, the lower my odds get each time for a successful pregnancy. I think I can handle the heartbreak, but I don't know who to go to for support. My OB doctor certainly isn't helpful. My Mom is sick with cancer and I don't want to burden her further. I want to keep most of my pain from my husband so that he won't decide to give up. I don't want to bother Gwen too much, since it seems selfish of me to want another child when I have three already and she had to work so hard for her one miracle. I feel so alone.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Update
It has been a full TWO WEEKS since my first ultrasound delivered the sad news. Guess what? I finally got closure today. It has been such a traumatic experience for me (as all miscarriages are for women) but more so because of the way it was handled.
I elected NOT to have a D&C. My doctor explained to me what the pros and cons of the D&C vs. the medication were, and I decided to try the medication first. She told me that if I was bleeding heavily to come to the hospital and she would have to do a D&C anyway. But she did not tell me what to expect as "normal" and what happens if I don't bleed much at all.
Fast forward to today. I ended up having a D&C because the medication didn't work. My doctor sent me in for a third ultrasound, forgot to order the inital OB blood screen when I was first pregnant, almost missed my 72-hour window for my Rhogam shot, and in general is doing her best to ignore me and make me feel worse. When I asked her for a referral for a high-risk clinic (due to my age, the fact that I have had two consecutive miscarriages and the distinct feeling I get that she doesn't want to work with someone of "advanced maternal age"), she REFUSED! She said "They can't help you. Your eggs are just old."
She may be right. I am not asking her to assure me that everything is fine. I know she can't turn back the hands of time. But is it so terrible that I want to know what my options are and what kind of odds I am facing? What about checking on something, ANYTHING, instead of just letting me get pregnant and miscarry again? That may happen (I'm 43, after all), but what about at least TRYING something else? What about a three-day FSH test for ovarian reserve? What about checking my thyroid? What about doing blood tests? What about IVF? I am old, so every month that passes without a successful pregnancy decreases my chance of bringing a baby home. Why should I be treated differently (in terms of senstivitiy and compassion) because I am 43 instead of 23?
The good news is that I have taken charge. I have an appointment with an infertility clinic on Thursday. Again, I am not looking for a miracle...I simply want more information. (Well, OK, a miracle would be nice, but that comes from a source different than the infertility clinic). I am also going to a naturopath tomorrow to see how to make my body as healthy as it can be over the next two months. If it doesn't work, at least I can tell myself I did everything under my control to ensure the best possible care and treatment for my next pregnancy. Women have been having babies in their 40's for years now (even without donor eggs). I may not be one of them, but I am going to do my best to try!
I elected NOT to have a D&C. My doctor explained to me what the pros and cons of the D&C vs. the medication were, and I decided to try the medication first. She told me that if I was bleeding heavily to come to the hospital and she would have to do a D&C anyway. But she did not tell me what to expect as "normal" and what happens if I don't bleed much at all.
Fast forward to today. I ended up having a D&C because the medication didn't work. My doctor sent me in for a third ultrasound, forgot to order the inital OB blood screen when I was first pregnant, almost missed my 72-hour window for my Rhogam shot, and in general is doing her best to ignore me and make me feel worse. When I asked her for a referral for a high-risk clinic (due to my age, the fact that I have had two consecutive miscarriages and the distinct feeling I get that she doesn't want to work with someone of "advanced maternal age"), she REFUSED! She said "They can't help you. Your eggs are just old."
She may be right. I am not asking her to assure me that everything is fine. I know she can't turn back the hands of time. But is it so terrible that I want to know what my options are and what kind of odds I am facing? What about checking on something, ANYTHING, instead of just letting me get pregnant and miscarry again? That may happen (I'm 43, after all), but what about at least TRYING something else? What about a three-day FSH test for ovarian reserve? What about checking my thyroid? What about doing blood tests? What about IVF? I am old, so every month that passes without a successful pregnancy decreases my chance of bringing a baby home. Why should I be treated differently (in terms of senstivitiy and compassion) because I am 43 instead of 23?
The good news is that I have taken charge. I have an appointment with an infertility clinic on Thursday. Again, I am not looking for a miracle...I simply want more information. (Well, OK, a miracle would be nice, but that comes from a source different than the infertility clinic). I am also going to a naturopath tomorrow to see how to make my body as healthy as it can be over the next two months. If it doesn't work, at least I can tell myself I did everything under my control to ensure the best possible care and treatment for my next pregnancy. Women have been having babies in their 40's for years now (even without donor eggs). I may not be one of them, but I am going to do my best to try!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
In God's Hands
I did have a second ultrasound on Tuesday. The news was not good. The radiologist said they did find an embryo (so it's not a blighted ovum), but that it looks like it was only the size of about six or seven weeks...so it died about three weeks ago.
I feel so sad and isolated. I am shielding my family from how much this is hurting me because I don't want to upset my girls and because I don't want Steve to give up on me. I feel guilty because I want this so bad and I don't feel like I have a right to be so sad when I have three healthy and beautiful children already. Am I being greedy, selfish, ungrateful, and delusional to think that I could have another child at my age? Is it wrong to want this so much?
The other thing that bothers me is that I haven't been bleeding at all. The radiologist said that sometimes when a miscarriage occurs, the body doesn't always shed the embryo. I know this sounds weird, but I wish I was bleeding because it would be a sign to me that it's over. The ultrasound technician wouldn't let me see the screen, either, so I didn't see the baby's heart not beating. I am sure that she did it out of compassion, but I feel like there is no closure. How can I be sure that it's really over? I am afraid to have a D&C because my heart doesn't want to believe that my baby is gone.
To make matters worse, my doctor left me hanging and didn't call me back after the ultrasound. I called the office today to ask what I am supposed to do. I am not happy about the way this was handled. She knew from the first ultrasound that things didn't look good, and I asked her nurse to call me on Wednesday after she had a chance to look at the results of the second ultrasound. I finally called her office today. She is supposed to call me tomorrow to discuss whether I want to do a D&C or take medications to "expel the uterus" (what a horrible term).
I think I have a plan, though. I am going to have a D&C (because it is quicker and I'm not getting any younger). Then I am going to get a new OB who is more supportive of my situation. (I am not asking for false hope, only someone who shows me a little bit of empathy). Then I am going to take good care of myself, hug my girls often, love my husband, and say my prayers. God willing, I can try again. I might even be able to have my eggs tested to give me an estimate of what my odds look like. (Not sure this is possible, but I have been trying to research it and it seems like there is a way that doctors can tell if you have any quality eggs left).
I feel so sad and isolated. I am shielding my family from how much this is hurting me because I don't want to upset my girls and because I don't want Steve to give up on me. I feel guilty because I want this so bad and I don't feel like I have a right to be so sad when I have three healthy and beautiful children already. Am I being greedy, selfish, ungrateful, and delusional to think that I could have another child at my age? Is it wrong to want this so much?
The other thing that bothers me is that I haven't been bleeding at all. The radiologist said that sometimes when a miscarriage occurs, the body doesn't always shed the embryo. I know this sounds weird, but I wish I was bleeding because it would be a sign to me that it's over. The ultrasound technician wouldn't let me see the screen, either, so I didn't see the baby's heart not beating. I am sure that she did it out of compassion, but I feel like there is no closure. How can I be sure that it's really over? I am afraid to have a D&C because my heart doesn't want to believe that my baby is gone.
To make matters worse, my doctor left me hanging and didn't call me back after the ultrasound. I called the office today to ask what I am supposed to do. I am not happy about the way this was handled. She knew from the first ultrasound that things didn't look good, and I asked her nurse to call me on Wednesday after she had a chance to look at the results of the second ultrasound. I finally called her office today. She is supposed to call me tomorrow to discuss whether I want to do a D&C or take medications to "expel the uterus" (what a horrible term).
I think I have a plan, though. I am going to have a D&C (because it is quicker and I'm not getting any younger). Then I am going to get a new OB who is more supportive of my situation. (I am not asking for false hope, only someone who shows me a little bit of empathy). Then I am going to take good care of myself, hug my girls often, love my husband, and say my prayers. God willing, I can try again. I might even be able to have my eggs tested to give me an estimate of what my odds look like. (Not sure this is possible, but I have been trying to research it and it seems like there is a way that doctors can tell if you have any quality eggs left).
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Crap Shoot
Today I went in for my much-anticipated ultrasound. I was feeling optimistic because I will be 10 weeks tomorrow. However, it appears that I have another blighted ovum. Dr. K. couldn't find the baby (or even the sac), so I am scheduled for a more definitive ultrasound this afternoon. If they don't find anything, then I will have to decide whether to do a D&C or some other option. She also said my uterus feels very small for 10 weeks. Needless to say, I am devastated. I just hoped that this time would be different.
I know that I am playing the odds by trying to have a baby at 43. My body seems to be able to get pregnant easily but I guess I don't have a good supply of healthy eggs left. Now it's just a crap shoot as to whether I can get a good one or not. I want to try again but I know there's a chance it won't work. I am willing to keep going, in spite of the awful sadness I am feeling, but I am wondering if I am being selfish. How much more should I put my family through? I know my doctor thinks I'm crazy. I have three beautiful and healthy daughters. I am thankful for that! Maybe this is God's way of telling me to just stop and enjoy the blessings that I already have.
I feel so broken.
I know that I am playing the odds by trying to have a baby at 43. My body seems to be able to get pregnant easily but I guess I don't have a good supply of healthy eggs left. Now it's just a crap shoot as to whether I can get a good one or not. I want to try again but I know there's a chance it won't work. I am willing to keep going, in spite of the awful sadness I am feeling, but I am wondering if I am being selfish. How much more should I put my family through? I know my doctor thinks I'm crazy. I have three beautiful and healthy daughters. I am thankful for that! Maybe this is God's way of telling me to just stop and enjoy the blessings that I already have.
I feel so broken.
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