Update

It has been a full TWO WEEKS since my first ultrasound delivered the sad news. Guess what? I finally got closure today. It has been such a traumatic experience for me (as all miscarriages are for women) but more so because of the way it was handled.

I elected NOT to have a D&C. My doctor explained to me what the pros and cons of the D&C vs. the medication were, and I decided to try the medication first. She told me that if I was bleeding heavily to come to the hospital and she would have to do a D&C anyway. But she did not tell me what to expect as "normal" and what happens if I don't bleed much at all.

Fast forward to today. I ended up having a D&C because the medication didn't work. My doctor sent me in for a third ultrasound, forgot to order the inital OB blood screen when I was first pregnant, almost missed my 72-hour window for my Rhogam shot, and in general is doing her best to ignore me and make me feel worse. When I asked her for a referral for a high-risk clinic (due to my age, the fact that I have had two consecutive miscarriages and the distinct feeling I get that she doesn't want to work with someone of "advanced maternal age"), she REFUSED! She said "They can't help you. Your eggs are just old."

She may be right. I am not asking her to assure me that everything is fine. I know she can't turn back the hands of time. But is it so terrible that I want to know what my options are and what kind of odds I am facing? What about checking on something, ANYTHING, instead of just letting me get pregnant and miscarry again? That may happen (I'm 43, after all), but what about at least TRYING something else? What about a three-day FSH test for ovarian reserve? What about checking my thyroid? What about doing blood tests? What about IVF? I am old, so every month that passes without a successful pregnancy decreases my chance of bringing a baby home. Why should I be treated differently (in terms of senstivitiy and compassion) because I am 43 instead of 23?

The good news is that I have taken charge. I have an appointment with an infertility clinic on Thursday. Again, I am not looking for a miracle...I simply want more information. (Well, OK, a miracle would be nice, but that comes from a source different than the infertility clinic). I am also going to a naturopath tomorrow to see how to make my body as healthy as it can be over the next two months. If it doesn't work, at least I can tell myself I did everything under my control to ensure the best possible care and treatment for my next pregnancy. Women have been having babies in their 40's for years now (even without donor eggs). I may not be one of them, but I am going to do my best to try!