In God's Hands

I did have a second ultrasound on Tuesday. The news was not good. The radiologist said they did find an embryo (so it's not a blighted ovum), but that it looks like it was only the size of about six or seven weeks...so it died about three weeks ago.

I feel so sad and isolated. I am shielding my family from how much this is hurting me because I don't want to upset my girls and because I don't want Steve to give up on me. I feel guilty because I want this so bad and I don't feel like I have a right to be so sad when I have three healthy and beautiful children already. Am I being greedy, selfish, ungrateful, and delusional to think that I could have another child at my age? Is it wrong to want this so much?

The other thing that bothers me is that I haven't been bleeding at all. The radiologist said that sometimes when a miscarriage occurs, the body doesn't always shed the embryo. I know this sounds weird, but I wish I was bleeding because it would be a sign to me that it's over. The ultrasound technician wouldn't let me see the screen, either, so I didn't see the baby's heart not beating. I am sure that she did it out of compassion, but I feel like there is no closure. How can I be sure that it's really over? I am afraid to have a D&C because my heart doesn't want to believe that my baby is gone.

To make matters worse, my doctor left me hanging and didn't call me back after the ultrasound. I called the office today to ask what I am supposed to do. I am not happy about the way this was handled. She knew from the first ultrasound that things didn't look good, and I asked her nurse to call me on Wednesday after she had a chance to look at the results of the second ultrasound. I finally called her office today. She is supposed to call me tomorrow to discuss whether I want to do a D&C or take medications to "expel the uterus" (what a horrible term).

I think I have a plan, though. I am going to have a D&C (because it is quicker and I'm not getting any younger). Then I am going to get a new OB who is more supportive of my situation. (I am not asking for false hope, only someone who shows me a little bit of empathy). Then I am going to take good care of myself, hug my girls often, love my husband, and say my prayers. God willing, I can try again. I might even be able to have my eggs tested to give me an estimate of what my odds look like. (Not sure this is possible, but I have been trying to research it and it seems like there is a way that doctors can tell if you have any quality eggs left).