Dashed Hopes

Things are not looking very promising. I had a 28-day cycle, which is good...but I ovulated on day 7. NOT GOOD. Last month I ovulated on day 8. I thought it was a fluke, but it may actually be a sign of decreasing fertility.

I started to panic when I realized how early I ovulated, so I did a Google search and found out that early ovulation is a sign of decreased ovarian reserve, poor egg quality, and is associated with women of "advanced maternal age". How I hate those words "advanced maternal age"!! It is also likely, that although I can get pregnant, the chances of miscarriage are very high. Since I wasn't looking for signs of ovulation that early, I totally missed it this month and will have to wait until next month.

I feel pretty discouraged about it all now. From the limited research I have conducted, there is nothing I can do to encourage my body to release a "good egg". At my age, it is very likely that the number of "bad eggs" vastly outnumber the "good eggs". No amount of diet, exercise, acupuncture, supplements or Chinese herbs will change that.

Is it totally hopefless? My OB certainly thought so. My last two miscarriages and early ovulation are certainly not good indicators of future success. Is it wasteful and selfish of me to even try? I feel so lost and confused. All I can do is keep trying to stay healthy and pray a lot. That might not be enough. I have 1 or 2 more tries left in me. I guess I just have to take it day by day and see what happens. Then I will reevaluate and talk to Steve to see if he is open to the idea of adoption (which, ironically, he was in favor of years ago).

This experience has certainly opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have three lovely, healthy daughters. That is something I have not lost sight of, and something I am thankful for every single day.

Waiting. Impatiently.

This month I have given myself the green light for trying to conceive. My cycle has been 25 days (like clockwork) except when I was pregnant and one month when I had a 29 day cycle, which was after my first miscarriage. However, THIS month, my cycle hasn't started yet and I am already on day 28!

I am telling myself that this is a good sign. I have been going to acupuncture and taking Chinese herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist, who is licensed in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I have read that these herbs can regulate hormones and lengthen cycles. It certainly would be good for me to ovulate near day 14 instead of day 9 like I have been. Still, I am worried. What if this is a sign of declining fertility? I don't have any other perimenopause signs, other than a marked decrease in cervical fluid. Those two things seem like important signs! I guess I will just have to wait and see how this month turns out.

Of course, the other possibility is that I am already pregnant. This would be kind of funny, since I wasn't trying to get pregnant in October. It would have happened if ovulation took place later than what I thought. Although this is possible, it's not very likely. I took a home pregnancy test yesterday afternoon and it was negative. If I don't start my cycle by Sunday I'll take another test and see what happens. I just have to stay positive and TRY really hard to be patient.

Patience is not my forte.