Today I went in for my much-anticipated ultrasound. I was feeling optimistic because I will be 10 weeks tomorrow. However, it appears that I have another blighted ovum. Dr. K. couldn't find the baby (or even the sac), so I am scheduled for a more definitive ultrasound this afternoon. If they don't find anything, then I will have to decide whether to do a D&C or some other option. She also said my uterus feels very small for 10 weeks. Needless to say, I am devastated. I just hoped that this time would be different.
I know that I am playing the odds by trying to have a baby at 43. My body seems to be able to get pregnant easily but I guess I don't have a good supply of healthy eggs left. Now it's just a crap shoot as to whether I can get a good one or not. I want to try again but I know there's a chance it won't work. I am willing to keep going, in spite of the awful sadness I am feeling, but I am wondering if I am being selfish. How much more should I put my family through? I know my doctor thinks I'm crazy. I have three beautiful and healthy daughters. I am thankful for that! Maybe this is God's way of telling me to just stop and enjoy the blessings that I already have.
I feel so broken.
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