I am continuing with acupuncture and Chinese herbs. Maybe I am delusional (at age 43 with an FSH level of 30) but I am not ready to give up yet. Steve has agreed to keep trying on our own until my birthday in July. That gives us just a few more shots at the elusive "golden egg". SIGH.
I am now on CD16. I have a confession: I feel pregnant. I am seven days past ovulation and I feel nauseous, my breasts are very sore and I see CM. Unfortunately, I know that it would be nothing short of a miracle if I turn up pregnant now. For one thing, it's really too early to have pregnancy symptoms. For another thing, I have never really had pregnancy symptoms for any of my other pregnancies. And...we only had BMS once this cycle. Crazy, right? On one hand, I think this is my brain's psychosomatic way of dealing with my recent heartbreak (see my previous post). How cruel. On the other hand, I think "why not roll with it?" What's the harm of allowing myself to entertain the possibility that this could be the month. I know it's like winning the lottery, but someone has to, right?
I smile as I write this. I know how it sounds. I know it's probably just me going through the stages of grief. But I also think that, in spite of the long odds, I have to try a little longer. My odds may not be much higher than zero, but if I don't try my odds are zero.
I cry as I write this.
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