Ups and Downs

A lot has happened since my last post. For one, I didn't get pregnant the next cycle. I did ovulate twice in the month of January. I bought my very first ovulation predictor kit and found out that my deep conviction that I am ovulating around CD9 is correct.

That's about it for positive news.

On January 21, I went to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I wasn't really sure I wanted to go because I was afraid of what I might find out. On the other hand, I knew that if there was anything he could do for me, I needed to get started as soon as possible because time is precious when you are trying to conceive and you're already 43 years old. So I went.

Dr. L. suggested that I at least get tested to see what my FSH level was. I knew that's what would happen, but I was sure that the results would not be encouraging...and they weren't. My FSH was 30! Sadly, that put me well out of the range for any drugs that are usually recommended for the over-40 crowd. He also did an ultrasound, which showed five developing follicles on CD5.

Steve went with me. He tried to be supportive, but he is fast losing hope that this will end with a new baby for us. Since he is less invested than I, he is not inclined to spend a kazillion dollars on fertility treatments (i.e. donor eggs) when we already have three lovely, biological daughters.

I can't blame him. He has been more than reasonable about this whole thing. I remind myself that he wanted two children and we already have three. I remind myself that we can't go too far down the fertility treatment road because we don't have the money required to pay for something that isn't even a "sure" thing.

One thing that Dr. L. mentioned that I was very interested in was embryo donation. Apparently there are couples who donate embryos if they have extras from fertility treatments. They understandably don't want to throw them away (!) but also don't want to add more to their own families, so they give them up in the hopes that infertile couples can use them for their families.

I was kind of amazed that such a thing exists. I had all kinds of questions. "What are the success rates?" "What are the legal rights of the biological parents?" "How would I explain that to my baby when he was old enough to understand?" "What reaction would my family and friends have to this, or would I even tell them?" "How would Steve and I feel about a child that is not biologically related to either of us?" "What happens if my child grew up and fell in love with someone who turned out to be his sister?"

The reality is that I want a baby and I don't care if it is biologically related to me or not. I would definitely prefer embryo donation to traditional adoption because it would allow me to get pregnant, give birth and nurse. It would allow me to have "Benjamin" on the birth certificate. It would allow me to feel comfortable knowing the medical history of his biological parents. It would be less risky than traditional adoption because I would be able to care for the baby from early pregnancy on, so I would know that he received good prenatal care. I would feel good about giving a child a home instead of letting him be frozen in limbo forever. There are just a lot of advantages. It would completely take my "advanced maternal age" out of the equation!

Steve didn't seem totally opposed to the idea, but it might have been because it caught him off guard. I took it as a positive sign that he didn't discount the idea outright. Unfortunately, though, when I brought it up again later, he said he didn't want to do it. It is certainly something that I feel strongly that we both should want. Here I thought we had an answer. A 50% success rate seems like better odds than what I am looking at if I keep trying with my own eggs. It's also not that expensive ($3000) and it would just be a standard frozen embryo transfer, which doesn't even require expensive fertility drugs. Seemed like the answer to my prayers.

I'll have to let that idea bake for a while. Steve may need to warm up to it, or I may have to just accept that fact that I am not going to have another baby after all. It certainly isn't the end of the world if that happens, but it has still left me with a deep sense of loss. I waffle between feeling totally selfish for wanting another child (especially when some women have none) and feeling totally justified in my sadness for giving up on a dream I have had for more than 10 years. It's not like wanting more money or a fancy car...I want to give my love to a child. I don't have a limit on that: loving another child would not leave less love for my other children. I just can't believe that's a bad thing.